Not Tom. Me. I am cerebrally resentful of my job situation. That is a very convulted way of saying I don't like what the job situation is doing to me. I don't like the thoughts that are running through my head. I don't like feeling angry all the time. This is precisely the reason I left finance for medicine. I didn't like the person I was as a financial analyst. I liked myself much better (and frankly, I think people liked me a lot better too) - when I switched careers. But now I'm back to a place where I don't like the way I'm acting or thinking. I'm grumpy and unpleasant. For example, this post is not silly or cheesy ... I'm already falling out of my element.
A friend of mine very wisely put it to me that since I switched careers, I have to put my "dues" in for a new career. But part of me is frustrated. Can't my dues from career #1 transfer over? I put in a helluva lotta dues there. I worked really, really hard for a really long time to prove myself in finance. And then I had to leave that behind and take introductory chemistry. I had to settle for the first medically related job I could get so that I could start building a resume that sounded more like ER than CNBC. So I took it. I sucked it up and I came in and I worked. I wasn't challenged, I didn't love it. But I knew I had to do it. I had to be able to say that I worked at Such and Such institution that has credibility in the medical world.
That's why this situation is very frustrating for me. I had to take the job for necessity and now I'm struggling with the whims of a very, very tempermental supervisor. (n.b. obviously, my wanting to be discreet has flown out the window. Now I just have to pray that nobody tracks this.).
There was another development that I've failed to mention to you. He hired another person. This makes my whole situation a lot more worrisome. Why'd he hire someone? Is the writing on the wall? Is he going to Donald Trump my ass? Since hiring this person, he's dumped so much work on me I don't know what to do. And, um, well New Person (NP) isn't doing anything.
I overheard him talking to NP today. He was telling NP how impressed he was with their (bad grammar, intentionally vague) references. One reference had said what a hard worker this person was, and cited that once they called him up at 1:00 AM to ask a work related question. My boss found this very impressive and was relaying this to NP, saying "That really shows a strong work ethic."
Imagine how I felt overhearing this. And knowing that 2 days ago he basically told me I have no work ethic. I've worked more nights past 1:00 AM than anyone in their right mind should ever work. While banking, I once went 3 days with a combined 6 hours of sleep. Out of my entire analyst class, I worked the hardest without question. That was 3 years ago. I worked so hard then because I believed my life would be better in 3 years. And look where I am now.
Not to be too melodramatic, but I did sacrifice a lot and swallow quite a bit of pride to embark upon this new career path. Don't worry, I still have the big picture in mind. The idea of being a doctor makes me so giddy that, even given my current chagrin, I could probably summon unicorns and rainbows with my passion for life.
Hold on ... one second. I'm going to go get the cake. What cake? Why, the cake for this gigantic pity party I'm throwing for myself, of course!
I'll be totally honest with you all. I have been working various jobs since my freshman summer in college. They have all been really bad experiences. I worked hard and never, ever loved what I did. Did you know I had 3 summer internships in investment banking while in college? And I hated all 3. I did. Don't ask why I then pursued 2 more years of banking after that. One day I'll write a post about how I went to an actual therapist to figure this out, and what a waste of time that was. All I know is that I hated my life for a long time, and I made a change for the better.
But am I cursed? How did I end up in ANOTHER job that is unhealthy and working for an unreasonable boss? (I've had some real winners in that department, my goodness). Is it me? Or is this really, truly some awful luck? I do have faith that my life will turn around. I also know that I'm going to continue to deal with many, many unpleasant people in the future.
I just wish it weren't so bad, like, all the time.
I can't wait to be old. And someone else's boss. Because I'll be so nice. I won't be abusive or try to inflict the pain that I went through on others. That's why I love teaching and volunteering. Those have been my most rewarding and happiest experiences. The mentors I've met through volunteering and shadowing have been life-changing and really inspiring. And that's why I know I'll love medicine.
OD'd on the Deepak Chopra-esque reaffirmations from me yet? Thanks, whoever you are, for letting me vent. Want some cake?
1 comment:
oh man sophia! it sucks that you havee to deal with that a$$hole of a superviser. don't let some idiot's comments suddenly define you. you know you're a hard worker and i think anyone that's ever met you for 5 minutes knows that! don't beat yourself up over this.
as for being unhappy with where you are working, just remember that this sucky job is not permanent....medical school awaits you! it's just around the corner and you're almost at the bend in that curve so don't get disparaged now.
i hope you do something fun this weekened and forget all about your 9-5 hellhole, atleast for one day. Go eat some M&M's (just not the metrosexual ones).
You are a brilliant girl and any field would be lucky to have you b/c you're not just in a job for the money, you're passionate about what you do and who you are. That is why you would be a fantastic doctor, banker or heck, even a clown, because you'd want to put a 110% into anything you were passionate about it.
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