i am the laziest person alive.

Guess what I did this weekend? Come on, guess! Here's a hint: it's even less than a little bit. That's right. Nothing. I did absolutely nothing.

I had big plans, I did. I could have gone to New York and visited several friends, some of whom were having swanky shin-digs. But no. I have work to catch up on (primarily because I hardly do any work when I am actually at work). I start teaching a Kaplan class next week, and I need to prepare. And finally, some of my secondary applications have come in. So this weekend was supposed to be about catching up. Instead, it has resulted in the dreaded falling behind.

Yesterday I woke up late and watched TV for a good two hours. At around 1:00 PM, I figured I should probably make some food. I decided to make scrambled eggs. In addition, I was finally going to heat up and try the chicken sausages I had bought last week.

Here's the thing about Muslims and sausage. It's like forbidden fruit. All you pork-lovers out there constantly speak of the succulence of sausage. You order it on pizza and then look apologetically at us when you realize we can't join in your indulgence. Same goes for bacon. Now, the advent of chicken and turkey sausages entices us toward the promised land of smoked meats in strange casings.

Months ago, I almost bought Emeril's Chicken and Apple sausages. But being the good Muzi that I am, I carefully read the ingredients. Chicken parts .... onions.... seasonings ... so far, so good. Then the very last ingredient: All contained within a pork casing. What?! How sneaky! So I sadly put my chicken sausage back and sulked away. Until last week. When I saw "Skinless Chicken Breakfast Sausages" at Trader Joe's. Could it be? Sausages without the danger of eternal hellfire! I kid. Though, as a child, I was so afraid of ever ingesting pork that I avoided Oreos like the plague because they had animal fat. Instead, I had to eat the retarded cousin of the Oreo - Sunshine Hi-Hos. Holla!

So last week, I couldn't believe my luck and snapped up those sausages. And yesterday I decided to try them. It was a momentous occassion.

Sadly, my excitement was unwarranted. Those stupid sausages tasted like salted cardboard. Yuck. I'm hoping for all the pork-eaters out there that real sausage tastes really good. Because if this is a big sham to make us Muslims jealous, well ... you already did that with the Oreos. And FYI, Oreos stopped using animal fat. That was a happy day. Because unlike chicken sausages, Oreo cookies are the nectar of the gods.

I finished my scrambled eggs, silently mourning the loss of appetizing sausage experiences to come. I was going to go the gym, but instead I started watching Lifetime Television (for women and gay men!). I watched the dumbest Lifetime Movie about a girl who sleeps with her mother's boyfriend. It was so bad, but I watched anyway. Even I was getting sick of my sloth, so I took a shower and got all dolled up. To go nowhere.

I proceeded to watch Edward Scissorhands on FX. And then, I had to watch Law and Order SVU. The best show on the face of the earth, ever. Except for the Golden Girls, which I watched this morning. I tried to watch Bowling for Columbine with my roommate at 11:00 PM, but fell asleep in front of the TV. Again. I feel asleep after being awake only 11 hours. And after a day full of doing NOTHING. Now, that's lazy.

I couldn't let today be like yesterday. So I did make it to the gym and ran until my butt literally hurt. But the rest of the day seemed eerily like yesterday. I just took a shower and got re-dolled up. But not for nothing. I'm going to go see Shakespeare in the Park later tonight. See, I'm sophisticated! (Said as I'm chewing on some Turkey Jerky and drinking Gatorade).