people watching

This entire weekend seemed to me like one gigantic reality TV show. Everywhere I looked there were people acting in a manner befitting The Real World. Which is to say, totally asinine and borderline ridiculous. It's best to summarize a handful of my observations:

• On the bus to New York on Friday afternoon, we made a rest stop halfway through the ride. A college-aged guy sitting across the aisle from me had purchased a bag of Starburst candy. Not the normal brick of Starburst, but a little bag that had a Ziploc type opening. The kid tried to rip the bag open, but he missed the pre-cut little snip where you can tear it easily. He kept trying to open the bag, but nothing was working. He bit at the corner in an effort to get a cut in, but couldn't do it. He was getting very visibily agitated - I know it's mean, but it was hilarious to watch him. Then, he tried a new tactic: prying the bag open like a bag of potato chips. He puffed his cheeks, held his breath and tried with all his might to open this seeming bag from hell. Nothing was working and the kid was obviously stressed. So guess what he did? He took a deep breath, then put the bag under the chair. He then closed his eyes and folded his hands in his lap. He was giving HIMSELF a time out!! About 10 minutes later, he resumed attempts to open the bag. Finally, he just started gnawing at the bag until something ripped. After he finally got it open, he scarfed down the entire bag, I think, to signal his victory.

• Yesterday evening, I went into Manhattan to meet some friends. I embraced my B&T heritage and took the Long Island Rail Road into Penn Station. After arriving, I noticed a girl who couldn't have been older than 14 walking around in hot pants and a teeny, weeny tee-shirt that said "B is for B*tch." The asterisk wasn't there, obviously, but as you know this is a PG weblog. Her shirt was so inappropriate - misogynistic, crude and really, what purpose did it serve? While I do appreciate the shock value in clothing -- my favorite piece of clothing is my t-shirt that says "I heard nerds" -- I think there should be some level of etiquette to function in society in general. I wanted to go up to the girl (or her mother, at least) and smack her. B, my little friend, is for b*tch slap.

• I took the subway this morning from Manhattan to Brooklyn. On my right, a girl was affixing fake press on nails to her hands with - get this - crazy glue. I know artificial nail glue is a lot like crazy glue, but the girl was using name brand crazy glue. Isn't that, uh, kinda crazy?

• On my left was a thuggish looking guy - baggy jeans, basketball jersey, baseball cap. Goatee. Completely asleep. Early into the ride, he kept leaning far left and far right in his sleep. And, I swear this happened, he ultimately rested his head on my shoulder. I didn't know what to do. There were a few other people in the car, who looked away and stifled giggles. When the train swerved, the inertia made his head come off my shoulder. I got up quickly and moved elsewhere in the car.

• My new seat ended up being smack across a young kid in a security guard's uniform. He must have been about 18. I couldn't tell if he was riding the subway to work somewhere as a security guard, or whether his job was to provide extra security on the subway car itself. Either way, the kid would not generate any sense of safety. He was scrawny and awkward. I looked up and he smiled at me. And then he winked. I wasn't sure if I was hallucinating, so I smiled and looked away. A few minutes later, I looked back up. He winked again. I gave it one more shot - and sure enough, he winked again! How do you respond to a wink? I wanted to laugh but I couldn't. The entire situation was so absurd. I just looked down, pulled out a bag of Starburst, and tried for the rest of the train ride to tear that sucker open.