What a dreary day. I definitely have seasonal affected disorder (SAD). I didn't want to get out of bed and have been feeling blue all day. It's hard to stop the deluge of negative thoughts when they start. I began to freak out about this career switch. I have no job. I can't cook and found myself seriously staring at the TV dinners in CVS yesterday before deciding to get some take out. CVS -- not even the grocery store - that's how lame I am.
I am scared I won't get into medical school. The statistics are pretty frightening - something like 1 out of 3 applicants doesn't get in. That doesn't mean they don't get in to their top choice schools. It means they don't get in period.
It's impossible to operate under a regime of fear, so I am wholeheartedly trying to remain as optimistic as possible throughout this process. But there are days, or moments within each day, where I find myself going through the ever-growing list of What-Ifs. What if I don't get in? What if I do get in and then realize it was the wrong decision? What if I have to move far away for school? I can occupy an entire day with What Ifs.
But these are the risks I have to take. How can you be certain that any career is the right career? There is no crystal ball that can guarantee your choices to be correct. All I know is that I tried something for a while, and I was pretty good at it. But it didn't make me happy. I didn't have the desire to learn more about my field and continually challenge myself. I do think medicine will offer me that. I really hope it will.
I'm not delusional in the sense that I think it will be easy work and will offer me never-ending intellectual stimulation. Far from it. I've seen the frustration it causes my parents. I could write an essay on the problems I see with the field from the week that I worked in my father's office. I know that I will not come close to making what I made in the last 3 years for another 10 years, at least. I know I could have chosen 1 million less stressful paths, but I did not. I made my decision, and I need to see where it takes me. I feel like I've jumped in feet first to a pool of ice-cold water. It takes a long time to adjust, but at some point it will feel comfortable.
I can't thank my friends and family enough for their encouragement and support. I talk my mom's ear off every single day about my concerns (which is also the primary reason that I had such huge phone bills and gave T-Mobile the boot. Yay for number portability!)
I've also heard my fair share of discouragement. Some people have been zealous with comments about the difficulties of getting in, the horrors of med school, etc. I do appreciate your openness and concern. But to be honest, I don't really need it right now. I'm fully aware of the dangers of my choices.
Too many 'what ifs' and not enough 'if nots'. Make Jack a Dull Boy. Red Rum!
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