shut up before i punch you

I just got off the subway and came into work. This may have been the most excruciating 15 minutes of my life, ever. And that includes all those times I had my ugly braces tightened.

In the seat next to me were the two biggest losers I have ever encountered in my life. I must paint you a picture. The boy: twenty something. a spitting image of Napoleon Dynamite. Red curly white boy fro and everything. The girl (if I can even venture to call her that): a tortoiseshell glasses wearing, baggy t-shirt (with a picture of John Lennon, worn, oh so painfully sans bra) cargo pants sporting embodiment of wannabe hip but so awfully uncool. Oh my god. I am wretching.

You all know the type - in high school, she sat around wearing goth clothing and talked about the fakeness of everyone and doodled disturbing scenes on her binder cover. She worked at Blockbuster Video. The girl who rolled her eyes at everything and read the Marquis de Sade because she is soooo deep . The girl who secretly lusts for the blond blue eyed quarterback but sleeps with the balding phys ed teacher instead.

I digress. The girl was SO loud. I mean, her voice was irritating and just SO LOUD. As I entered, they were mid-conversation:

Vomit Inducing Girl

I mean, her job is to walk around France looking beautiful. Beautiful but tragic. But not tragic sad. It's beautiful. Like smoking cigarettes beautiful.

Napoleon's Twin

Yeah, she reminds me of a French movie. It's not a character, but more an ephemeral concentration of sentiment* (N.B. Verbatim. I made it a point to memorize that phrase because it was oh so incredulous).

Vomit Inducing Girl

Absolutely. It defines post-modern. But who knows what's happening in the world. They just released the Chasing Amy DVD. If that doesn't say something then I don't know what does.

I was in so much pain that I had to do something. I noticed a woman across from me was trying her hardest not to laugh. I made eye contact with her then discreetly pretended to strangle myself. She started to giggle and had to look away.

Napoleon so wanted to get in Vomit Girl's pants. Man. I had a blueberry donut this morning (first try - thumbs up!). But I'm having some trouble keeping in down. I have a bagel with me but I can't eat it. I'm not joking, I am so nauseated by the loser fest that I was presented with this morning. Excuse me while I barf all over your faux intellectualism. Now stop pretending and go home and watch Desperate Housewives like you know you want to.

*~*~

Yesterday I went to the gym. I was on the buttblaster thingamajig when a sleazy looking man got on the machine next to me. Within a minute, I almost passed out. His BO was that bad. It was so bad that I had to get off the machine, walk around, and finally give up on the notion of finishing my work out because I needed to shower lest some of it landed on me.

On a much more realistic note, I cannot comprehend the Katrina disaster. It feels so surreal. As if this is happening in another country, far far away. New Orleans basically no longer exists. I cannot understand what these people must be going through. The death toll is now estimated to be in the thousands. It's a virtual anarchy there. I hope hope hope that things get better for everyone who was affected.